The Part of My Life that is Not on the Intarwebs

The List

2015-09-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

Alright, intarwebs. You and I hang out together lots, but I have this whole other life outside of you in your many manifestations. And there are things that I want to get done over here.

I tried not to make this a list of Things That Would Sound Good on a Life List, things like 'take bellydancing' and 'swim with dolphins' and 'go skydiving' and 'live in an orphanage' because that is not the purpose. Also, I have already done those things. I have tried scare up things that make me more of who I am, and that I would be really disappointed if I didn't do before I died.
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THE LIST!!
(to be added to at will)

1. Own a puppy.

2. Make croissants from scratch.

3. Grow enough of my own vegetables to make a salad (Caesar salad does not count).

4. Bring a meal to someone who is grieving.

5. Host a wine and cheese party.

6. Host a fondu party (that people actually show up to. Not like that time me and Robyn ate $30 worth of fruit and chocolate by ourselves because everyone cancelled).

7. ~~Host a raclette party.~~

8. Tip a waitress $100.

9. Taste 1000 fruits.

10. Ring a church bell (the kind in a tower. With a rope).

11. Change a tire.

12. Do a 10k run in less than 50 minutes.

13. Read The Odyssey.

14. Read The Illiad.

15. Go to the symphony.

16. ~~See a musical.~~

17. Own a fruit tree that produces fruit.

18. ~~Make Herbed Butter Burgers from The BBQ Bible.~~

19. Make Jalapeno Cheese Dogs from The BBQ Bible.

20. Have a picnic involving wine and a baguette.

21. Have some babies.

22. Take those babies to Disneyland when they are old enough to appreciate it, but not too old to enjoy it.

23. Wake up with clear vision (so...have laser surgery on eyes. OR take nap with contacts in).

24. Submit a book to a publisher.

25. ~~Attend a book-reading.~~

26. Read all of Entertainment Weekly's New Classics.

27. Become conversant in another language.

28. See the Northern Lights.

29. ~~Wear more dresses.~~

30. Ride a horse.

31. Take ballroom dancing.

32. ~~Go scuba diving/snorkling (but if it's snorkling, it has to be for-real snorkling where there's fishies. Not just on my own up at Cultus...with a snorkle).~~

33. Get (another) BA.

34. Get MA.

35. Get PhD.

36. Knit a sweater (for a baby is ok).

37. Make apple cider from scratch.

38. ~~Attend a literary convention.~~

39. ~~Meet another book-blogger In Real Life.~~

40. ~~Host a Thanksgiving dinner wherein I cook the Turkey.~~

41. ~~Not have cancer anymore.~~

42. Own a pair of Miu Miu teacup heels. These ones:

43. ~~Go to Prague to see Mike and Leah.~~

44. ~~Be in boo's wedding.~~

45. Meet Lauren in real life.

46. ~~Make bagels from scratch~~

47. Go to the top of a lighthouse

48. Send three surprise care packages in the mail to three different people, for non-holiday reasons.

49. ~~Spend a day at the spa.~~

50. Go to the library and leave nice notes in random books.

51. Pick out a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch.

52. Visit a brewery/winery/chocolate factory (tastings must be involved).

53. ~~Have an actual tea party with, like, tiny sandwiches and things.~~

54. See a drive-in movie.

55. Make a clock.

56. Go snowshoeing.

57. ~~Get driver's license seriously how is this not on the list already.~~

58. Learn basic HTML

59. See a solar eclipse.

60. ~~Eat a wild animal (like a moose or something).~~

61. Make 1000 pretty things.

62. Learn how to put on eye makeup properly.

63. ~~Watch the Pride and Prejudice BBC mini-series.~~

64. Own a house.

65. Learn to speed read.

66. ~~Own a venus fly trap.~~

67. ~~Try deep-fried ice cream.~~

68. Try hot yoga.

69. ~~Try tapas.~~

70. Grow my own herbs.

71. Fly a kite.

72. Skinny dip.

73. Learn how to run properly so that my knees don't hurt all the damn time.

74. Wear my hair down and curly, on the regular.

75. Meet Tim Gunn (and hug him).

76. Make a baked Alaska.

77. Do a triathalon.

78. Dogsled.

79. Decorate my house (at least a little bit) for all the major holidays.

80. Start a monthly board games night.

81. Wear a dress with tulle.

82. Hike the Grand Canyon.

83. Climb Mt Kilimanjaro

84. Learn to do a cartwheel (or break something trying).

85. Hike the West Coast Trail.

86. Attend a Canucks playoff game.

87. Visit Menabilly (the inspiration for Manderley in Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca).

88. Learn to juggle.

89. Make a soufflé.

90. Try macarons and then make them.

91. Attend a masquerade. Or throw one. Or crash one. Somehow be present at fancy masquerade.

92. Go to Austin, Texas to watch the bats.

93. Visit the Winchester House.

94. See all seven wonders of the world.

95. Try turducken.

96. Make doughnuts from scratch. The deep-fried kind, not the half-assed baked kind.

97. Pet an owl (comme ça)

98. Host a Favorite Things party

99. See Old Faithful erupt.

100ff: TBD

90: Try macarons.

2012-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to MAKE macarons because they are SO DELICATE AND PRETTY, but I've never had one, so I'd make them and then be like, I don't know. Probably?

But then Joel went to New York and brought me back two macarons from La Maison du Chocolat, which is apparently The Fanciest.

He had to transport the macarons in his glasses case, because how else do you get something like this home?

Pistachio: a weirdly good flavor for things.

Coffee: never a bad choice.

The crust is crispy like woah, and the insides! So creamy! How is a thing LIGHT and RICH at the same time?

Alas, a lonely plate.

#21: Have some babies.

2012-01-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

One down.

Miss Eleanor Constance Loretta, 31 Dec 2011, 6 lbs 9 oz.

#60: Eat a wild animal (like a moose or something)

2011-11-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

An elk is definitely 'like a moose or something.'

elk

moose

See? The difference is mostly in the antlers, and you don't eat that part.

So. Alicia is my Friend Who Is Always Doing Fun Things, Like Phoning Me As I'm Chopping Potatoes To See If I Want To Go Help Spend Her Gift Card At A Super-Fancy French Restaurant Because Her Date Got Held Up At The Border And She Has A Reservation. And when someone calls to see if you want to go help spend a gift card, you put your potatoes in the fridge for tomorrow and you go.

Grilled elk fillets with celeriac croquette, assorted beans and beanish things, and kale, all smothered in what was basically a super-fancy bbq sauce. I mean that in the most complimentary, least Kmart-ish way possible. The elk, and I get that it's probably not like this outside of fancy French restaurants, was ridiculous tender.

Also, unrelatedly, a chocolate-vanilla-raspberry torte with dulce du leche and mint cream.

I'm just saying.

#32: Go scuba diving/snorkeling.

2011-08-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

On our port day in Haiti, Joel and I signed up for a snorkeling adventure.

The boat that came to pick us up was full of young dudes and loud music, but our little group was mostly families and pregnant me. They seemed disappointed that we weren't more excited about the free rum punch on board, and we seemed confused by their disappointment.

But the water looked like this:

Only with more fishes. And coral. And urchins. But I didn't have my camera then because I was both underwater and BREATHING and trying not to freak out in the way that the body does when it realizes that it is underwater and breathing.

Caribbean waters, there is nothing quite like you for swimability. I will snorkle in your face any time you like.

#61: Make 1000 pretty things.

2011-08-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

11. Eleanor

10. Blackberry-custard pie.

9. Body pillow cover (which you cannot, apparently, buy for love or money).

8. Lariat necklace.

Also to be worn comme ça.

7. Sack dress.

6. Jaunty yellow maternity skirt.

5. Lemon meringue pies. Meringue is straight-up the prettiest thing you can eat.

4. Shark costume. Not so much 'pretty' as 'well-executed and shark-like' but I will count it.

3. Disaster-cakes.

2. Poofballs for boo's wedding (weddings are rife with opportunities for pretty things)

1. Cupcakes for boo's wedding.

#69: Try tapas.

2011-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

Joel was convinced that tapas was just sandwiches, so I had to play my birthday card to get him to take me. We went to The Mint in Victoria, which was dark and underground and variously ethnic.

We had the samosas, which were excellent, but I think I prefer my samosas to be crusty and greasy and from a paper bag.

We also had choyela, which was a beef tenderloin spiced with ginger and lime and chilis and served chilled. It was the flavoringest thing I have ever eaten, and I would gladly eat it a thousand times more.

And then we split a bowl of spicy noodle soup with peanuts and caramelized onions. Splitting soup is trickier than you want it to be, and we made a fantastic mess.

I would do this again.

#38: Attend a literary convention.

2011-07-11T20:16:00.000-07:00

BEA 2011, bitches!

#67: Try deep-fried ice cream.

2011-05-30T20:16:00.001-07:00

Our fourth day in New York was the day that Everything Went Wrong (Or Disappointingly), and we had very dim hopes of finding the Mexican food restaurant our hostel's concierge had recommended (there are literally like two Mexican food places in all of New York, but fortuitously he used to bartend at this one and so knew of its existence). Said restaurant was in Greenwich Village, which is a warren, and Panchitos was on a teensy side-warren, so it was with some shock and awe that we actually found it.

And then we had the enchilada-burrito platter and then we splurged on the deep fried ice cream. Excitements!

It was wrapped in a tortilla and drizzled with sauce and it was hot and sweet and crispy and good.

Ooh, and oozy. Disappointing day redeemed.

Updated 17 Sept 2011

And then I went to the Richmond Night Market and had deep-fried ice cream THERE, and it was way more how I imagined it to be.

The ice cream was still icy and you could fork your way through the crust without knife or significant effort.

Survey of one says: much better.

#38: Attend a literary convention.

2011-05-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

BEA 2011, bitches!

#25: Attend a book reading.

2011-05-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

My sister and I saw Lev Grossman and Scott Westerfeld and John Scalzi and Catherynne Valente read at the New York library (the big one, with the lions) as part of NY Book Week.

Lev Grossman reads like a storyteller, Scott Westerfeld had illustrations, Cat Valente is CAT EFFING VALENTE, and John Scalzi, instead of reading from his fiction (which I don't care for), told a long and elaborately hilarious story about an April Fools Day prank he had pulled on his blog.

A merry band of musicians played along, their music matching the feel of the story being told. The next book reading I attend will have to be all kinds of crazy to even half match up.

#73: Learn how to run properly so that my knees don't hurt all the damn time.

2011-02-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

Last year my friend Alicia's friend June, who knows a thing or two about running, told me that I run too loudly. I appreciated his input, but 'run less loudly' isn't constructive advice.

Today through a happy coincidence of events, I was at the gym later than usual and just in time for a free video gait analysis. They video tape you while you run, play it for you in slow motion, and then explain what the problem is while you cringe.

Friends, it is physically painful to watch yourself run in slow motion, particularly if you run badly. The first clip was of me from the mid-calf down, and all I could see was my ankles crashing towards the ground as they over-pronated. Then the view panned back and the guy is all, See how your knees buckle inward and nearly collide with each stride? I'm like, HOW ARE THEY NOT HITTING EACH OTHER! Also, is that why I kick myself in the ankle all the time?

So I need new shoes that correct for my pronation, and that will Fix Everything (including but not limited to my knee pain, my hip pain, and my tendency to kick myself in the ankle). I'm hoping it will also make me faster.

Incidentally, June was right. I hadn't been on the treadmill for eight seconds before the guy is all, Oh yeah, we'll be able to help you out. I'm like, Why's that? And him, Because you are too loud.

Updated March 7, 2011

Hullo, you sexy, supportive darlings.

You are like space-shoes.

#79: Decorate my house (at least a little bit) for all the major holidays.

2010-10-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

Ok so my endgame is to go all-out for holidays. I want to be the house down the street with Dead Moses on the lawn (flames shoot out of his hands. It is seriously Bad Ass). The problem is both zero dollars and zero space. We'll be moving a majillion times in the next ten years, and I don't want to be packing crates of decorations hither and yon. SO! If I give myself one splurge per holiday per year, I will eventually have enough to bedeck my halls to my tastes without drowning myself in THEEEENGS.

Halloween 2010

This year for Halloween I bought myself this sweeting from the dollar store.

That may be the single most expensive thing I've ever bought from a dollar store, but totally worth it. She is unassuming at first, but UNFURL!

She's got legs.

My sister rolled around last week to help me decide where to put her

and to strew cobwebs on the chandelier

and to set out the cauldron of eyes

and to decorate Sam's pumpkin.

In case you were wondering what we were wondering, they don't fit.

Christmas 2010

Tiny tree in living room.

Duckies in santa hats.

Christmas 2011

Tiny tree on Eleanor's dresser, avec nutcracker.

#43: Go to Prague to see Mike and Leah

2010-08-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

AAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE WE HAVE BOOKED TICKETS! I'm not telling you when we're going, though, because you'll break into my house and steal my stuff. I'll tell you when we get back.

Updated August 20th:

AIEEEE WE WENT TO PRAGUE TO SEE MIKE AND LEAH!!

AND THEN TO ISTANBUL WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

AND THEN TO CAPPADOCCIA WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

AND THEN TO PAMUKKALE WITH MIKE AND LEAH!!

AND THEN TO EPHASUS WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

AND THEN TO SAMOS WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

AND THEN TO ATHENS WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

AND THEN BACK TO PRAGUE WITH MIKE AND LEAH!

The end.

#18: Make Herbed Butter Burgers from The BBQ Bible

2010-07-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, don't be grossed out, but these burgers have a wadge of herbed butter snuggled in the middle.

(You should probably be grossed out. Raw beef is disgusting.)

You wrap the beef around the butter, douse them in salt and pepper, and throw the fat messes on the grill.

The one on the right is the red-headed step-child.

And then you stack, and then you eat.

The molten butter core keeps them tender, and the herbs flavor them from the inside. No pics mid-eat, obviously, because the only thing grosser than raw ground beef is cooked ground beef with bites taken out of it.

I would make these again if we were having a bbq with few guests and I was trying to be impressive. Definitely savory and delicious, but more labor-intensive than just chucking a few dozen frozen patties around.

#66: Own a venus fly trap.

2010-06-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

Aww, right?

Hey there, little guy! You is so fierce, you is.

You gonna stand guard over my produce, Little Critter? Take care of my inevitable fruit-fly problem?

Rowr.

#57: Get a driver's license.

2010-06-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

.
Stay off the sidewalks, bitchez.

#44: Be in boo's wedding.

2010-06-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

#63: Watch the Pride and Prejudice BBC mini-series

2010-05-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned several times in Jane's presence that I hadn't seen the BBC Pride and Prejudice mini-series, and each time she was all, *incredulousness!* because who hasn't seen that?

And then I was reading a book of essays on Pride and Prejudice, and to an essay they would all go on and on about this series, like it was a rite of passage.

At which point I threw up my hands and phoned Chelsea to see if she'd come over and spend five hours with me and guys? Totally worth it. There are whole long scenes where everyone just...emotes.

Also, we had mad snacks. Five hours is a long time.

#39: Meet another book blogger In Real Life

2010-05-25T09:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like all book bloggers live in The America, or on the east coast, or in Japan. Utah has so many that they have their own convention. And while the blogging world has given me a place to geek out over books, I have no one with whom to geek out over blogging.

And then a few weeks ago I blogged about a book sale I'd attended which raised money for children's literacy and where the books cost such and such amount, only to have Danika the Lesbrarian reply that she'd attended a book sale that weekend which raised money for children's literacy and where the books cost such and such amount. Coincidence...?

Then there was some frenetic emailing with many all-caps and then there was coffee (for me) and vegan brownies (for her) and many, many lolz.

#12: Do a 10k run in less than 50 minutes.

2010-04-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

This'll be a work-in-progress, methink.

April 26, 2009 - TC10k - 54:39

April 25, 2010 - TC10k - 52:41

October 11, 2010 - Turkey Trot - 54:55 (proof that you can run 10k without training, but you will feel terrible)

May 1, 2011 - TC10k - 52:33

#16: See a musical.

2010-04-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

Ok so, technically I'd already done this, because we saw Phantom of the Opera with my elementary school, and my parents took us to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat when Donny Osmond was in it but he was sick that day and we were saddled with the understudy, who was quite good but no Donny, and I'm pretty sure I saw Rent once. But all of those were in childhood and so somehow don't count, so maybe this should have been 'See a musical as an adult.'

H'anyvays, last Wednesday was our anniversary so Joel took me down to the Belfry Theater to see The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. I love both musicals and spelling bees, so there was no way this was going to go wrong.

It went insanely right. Because somehow while I was in the bathroom, Joel signed us both up to be in the musical as volunteer extras. We and two other folks were given our instructions (go to the microphone, ask for a definition/for the word to be used in a sentence, spell the word) with the assurance that when it was our time to be cleared from the stage, we'd be given a word we'd have no way of spelling.

FRIENDS! They have UNDER-ESTIMATED MY SUPERIOR SPELLING CAPABILITIES! Because when my role was done and they threw me my stage-clearing word, I got it right. The word was 'smoogligan' which is not actually a word, but which is also basically 'hooligan' with some consonantal variety. There was silence behind me on the stage and I do not lie, I was smug.

I sat my smugness down and they called me right back up to the mike and everyone larfed because the girl! She spells! They gave me 'pheochromocytomata' which took me down by two letters (ironically, Joel, who was slewn by 'spelunk' can spell 'pheochromocytomata' with his eyes closed) and the 'comfort counselor' came to sing me off stage and the song went on for ages and all told I was onstage for the entire first act and it was a HOOT, but I was delighted to get my consolatory juice box and return to my seat.

Notes for next musical: definitely be participant, wherever possible. Run onstage, if need be. Also, do not thrust hand so aggressively into trench pocket, for pictures.

#49: Spend a day at the spa.

2010-04-21T13:14:00.000-07:00

Technically it wasn't a 'day' so much as an 'afternoon,' but it's only, like, the third time I've been to a spa ever, and the first time I've gone for more than one thing.

Back in the fall when I had The Cancer, Joel's classmates pooled their moneys and got me a spa gift card, but what with being in school and having The Cancer, I haven't had time to partake until now. I got a Tension Release Massage and a Pedicure Manifico (or something).

Getting a professional massage isn't like bribing someone you know to massage you for an hour. These people know what they are up to. Plus, you can lie face-down on their tables.

Also, my feets:

Summer may feel free to commence.

#53: Have an actual tea party with, like, tiny sandwiches and things

2010-04-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

My sister and sister-in-law and I were having a sister-day at the mall one time and I bought a red dress for $10, even though I literally had nowhere to wear it, and the boobs didn't totally fit. But TEN DOLLARS!

Anyways, five minutes and a sewing machine can make anything fit in the boobs, so I threw a tea party and wore the red dress.

Everyone wore dresses, so that we could pretend that we were the kind of people who threw on dresses in the middle of the afternoon for tea. And tiny sandwiches.

And lemon cookies (caveat: these were not actually good. But they looked delicate and tea-party-esque).

And wee brownie cups

And cheddar scones. With bacon. And onion.

And strawberry shortcake sliders.

It was a feast. A prim, ladylike afternoon feast.

Even Sam Skellington put on his Sunday hat and joined the party.

#40: Host Thanksgiving dinner wherein I cook the turkey

2010-04-03T18:40:00.001-07:00

Ok, technically it was more like Easter dinner, but the list said 'Thanksgiving' so we had 'Thanksgiving in Spring.'

Several weeks prior: Get free turkey for spending normal amount of money at Superstore. Gloat to anyone who will listen.

Two days prior: Realize that turkey is not, as I thought, ten-ish pounds, but closer to seventeen-ish pounds. Enough pounds to break the scale, anyways, as it is clearly not 0.2 pounds. Probably should have moved it to the fridge three days ago.

One day prior: Defrost, damn you.

7:00 am: Frantically water-bathe turkey in effort to defrost fully, despite internet's warning that this will spawn bacteria and kill all my nearest and dearest.

8:00 am: Turkey still very frozen.

9:00 am: Turkey less frozen in outer inch or so. Probably bruised from all the froze-testing poking.

10:00 am: Internet search for 'Can I just cook a partially-frozen turkey for, like, longer' returns unanimous internet-shrieks of 'No! You have ruined Thanskgiving.' Internet = Eyore. Fortunately, this is not technically Thanksgiving and cannot therefore technically be ruined.

11:00 am: Turkey still pretty frozenish; make pie to assuage anxiety re: frozenish turkey. Also, for dessert.

12:00 pm: Pie is, at least, successful.

12:15 pm: Figure turkey as as thawed as is going to get. Turkeys are way grosser than anticipated. They are very...bird-like. I am not used to meat that's still on its body. Internet is contradictory re: turkey prep. Butter the skin? Butter under the skin? Cover roasting pan? Don't cover? Baste? Am going with simplest method: give butter massage, ram onion into surprisingly small cavity, feel bad about the ramming because the turkey is very bird-like, cover with tinfoil. Cook at high heat to seal in juices (and kill off any bacteria resulting from water bath) and then slow roast for HOURS because the inside? Still frozen.

1:00 pm: Turn down heat, resist temptation to peek at turkey.

2:00 pm: Feel bizarre just leaving this thing in the oven for so long and not having to, you know, do anything to it. Peek. Turkey appears to be sweating butter.

3:00 pm: Can't stop peeking.

4:00 pm: Really, guys. My oven is on, but I'm ignoring it and feeling uncomfortable.

5:00 pm: Uncover turkey just for something to do. Also, to encrispen skin. Ponder how people make turkey and other things in oven, as turkey IS oven.

6:00 pm: Stab turkey with thermometer. Survey says: none of my friends will die if they eat this meat.

6:15 pm: Potatoes and veggies arrive, with guests.

6:20 pm: Carve off turkey bits until you get to the bits where it starts to look underdone. Leave those parts to be dealt with later.

6:25 pm: Gravy and stuffing arrive, with guests.

6:30 pm: Have Thanksgiving in Spring. Hope that no one dies tomorrow.

The Day After: Unexpected Delights

Strip carcass of remaining meat. With hands. Feel savage.

Make stock in comically large stock pot, which doesn't seem so comically large any more.

Make many turkey pot pies, of varying sizes. Put in freezer.

Make turkey noodle soup that is mostly turkey. For eating and for freezer.

Throw remainder of turkey (!!!) in freezer for, I don't know, turkey chili or something. Later.

Eat last piece of pie for lunch because all this Little House on the Prairie shit is hard work.

#29: Wear more dresses

2010-03-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, part of the logic behind this one is that I think people look cute in dresses and I think I look cute in dresses and I love wearing dresses, but they are out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to do more things that I love that aren't in my happy rut. Plus, I'm going to Prague this summer and all of my pictures will be twice as pretty if I am wearing a pretty frock in them.

I figure dress-wearing is something that comes with effort, so I wore a dress today. For practice. I know you can hardly see the dress part because of the coat, but it is still early March, and chilly despite the sunshine. The dress is a winsome cowl-necked thing from American Apparel, and it is both austere (due to the cowl) and a bit slutty (due to the shortness, and my disinclination to wear tights). Was I only going six blocks to get some bloodwork done? Yes. Did I stop at the dollar store on the way home. Indeed. Did I look adorable doing so? You be the judge.

March 22, 2010

My go-to party wear is jeans and a sweater, or jeans and a tank, but the Wear More Dresses mantra lives on! Plus I had just bought this at Target, plus it lends itself nicely to one of my favorite pasttimes: wearing too many accessories.

August 24, 2010

Operation Wear More Dresses is a success!

More dresses in Turkey!

More dresses in Greece!

More dresses in Prague! At the zoo!

And continuing.

More dresses at Thanksgiving!

#46: Make bagels from scratch

2010-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ok so, a life without bagels is essentially a life not worth living, but any commercially-prepared bagels are bound to have salt in them, and salt is (for now) my kryptonite. But bagels can't be that hard to make, right?

RIGHT!! You thought I was setting you up for some big catastrophe there, but it turns out that bagels are surprisingly easy.

Make dough, as with bread.

Make balls and empoken balls with hole.

Leave alone, until fatter.

Boil.

Warning; boiled bread looks, as my Foods 11 cooking partner Jovan used to say of everything we made with dough, like fat people.

To cure of fat-people look, bake! The end. Some of them are a little rustic-looking.

Some of them are very rustic-looking.

But they are chewy and good, toasted up nicely and spread well with some salt-free peanut butter (bless its beautiful hide).

#7: Host a raclette party

2010-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

Right, so, one of my non-quantifiable life resolutions is to Use The Things That I Have to Make My Life More Fun. Joel and I got a raclette set for our wedding and *shhh* haven't used it yet, so one of my quantifaible-and-check-off-able life resolutions was to have a raclette party.

A raclette set is a tiny indoor grill with little trays on the bottom.

Ours are itty-bitty, we were trying to feed seven people, so even though our set came with two, Morgan and Shannon brought over their massive one. The main deterrent in raclette is all the prep work, because you literally have to chop a thousand things.

It's really no more work than, say, making a massive stir-fry, except that you end up dirtying every bowl in your house. Do not attempt this if you don't have a dishwasher.

All the usual suspects were present: peppers, onions, mushrooms, broccoli. This being our first hosted raclette, I thought we'd play a game called Will It Grill (that being a misnomer, becasue of course it will grill. The real question is whether it will taste good afterwards). To that end, I threw in a few rogue vegetables like leeks, edamame beans, and eggplant. All were surprisingly tasty (full points go to the grilled leeks), which may or may not have had something to do with the roasted garlic and herbed butters that ended up everywhere.

So! Grilling. We accidentally kept the teeny ones quasi-segregated into vegetables

and meat.

The large one was omnivoricious.

But what of the teeny trays on the bottom? That is where you throw some cheese to melt so that you can pour it over your...whatever. Or you take your grilled whatever and put it on a slice of bread with some cheese, and put that in the teeny tray and roast it. There are no pictures of the teeny trays because I was eating what was in them.

The other problem with raclette, related to the myriad of bowls, is space. There will almost be no room on your table for your plates. You will have to relocate your beverage station to a side table, and if someone brings a leetle gasoline pump to mix cosmos in, so much the better.

In keeping with the spirit of Using Things Because I Have Them, I busted out the napkins that Gnoe sent me from the Netherlands.

My instinct is to totally hang on to these and hoard them forever, because when will I have such terrifically Dutch napkins again? But life is for living and napkins are for using, and raclette is a Swiss dish and while I KNOW THAT SWITZERLAND IS NOT THE NETHERLANDS, it's near enough.

So! With all the grilling and melting and more grilling and prodding, raclette takes hours to eat. Make sure you have plenty of time, and excellent company.

#41: Not Have Cancer Anymore

2009-10-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

So hey, who'd have thought when I made this list that a.) 'not have cancer anymore' would be on it, and b.) it would be the first thing I'd scratch off?

Ok, so this one time way back in April we're both studying and I look up and Joel's squinting at me like he does sometimes and I'm all, What? And he's like, You have an Adam's apple and I'm all Dude, I do NOT have an Adam's apple.
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But it turns out that I sort of did. And we had no family doctor at the time so it took a while to get one, and then she poked and prodded my apple and was all, Ehhh, I'm not concerned but I'll send you for an ultrasound. And the ultrasound people ultrasounded it and were all, Ehhh, we're not concerned but we're going to send you to an endocrinologist for a biopsy. And then the endocrinologist stuck some needles in my neck and I did not like it.

ANYways, the results came back suspicious but inconclusive which means that it may or may not be cancer, but that even if it is cancer, it's what they call an 'indolent' cancer which is the opposite of an 'aggressive' cancer. So!

Tuesday night we have steaks, and then consider night-nachos because I'm not allowed to eat after midnight, and while we are considering night-nachos we fall asleep. We are not made for this sort of lifestyle.

Wednesday morning Joel takes me down to the hospital and they whisk me off right away to the Patient Storage Locker, which is big and square and full of people lying in beds either bored or unconscious. And they give me one of those little nighties that opens in the back which I totally put on wrong at first, and also a skeezy robe and some booties, one of which is broken.
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And then Ridiculously Kind Nurse #1 keeps bringing me toasty blankets straight from the little blanket oven where they keep them warm (no jokes) and checking to see how I'm doing but other than that I'm just lying there in my little crib for close to two hours watching an orderly change the sheets.

And then like eight people come by one at a time to ask me all the same questions about who I am and if I have any allergies and what my birthday is and whether I understand the procedure that's going to be done to me and I'm tempted to make jokes about it still being me in this bed but I get that they're just doing their jobs and trying to make sure that no one accidentally goes in after, say, one of my kidneys by accident. Plus, every time someone comes by I'm all, Yay, a person! I WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS!

And then Ridiculously Kind Nurse #2 comes to bring me into the OR Patient Storage Locker and I'm all, Wheeee, something is happening! And she's like, Ahhh, not so fast. You're probably just going to have to wait in there for a while, and also, I'm going to need to take your glasses now.

So I end up waiting in there for another half hour only now I'm blind, and then the surgeon comes by to ask me if I understand the procedure and to please indicate the lump for him and then he scribbles on me with some marker and leaves. The man is seriously a robot.

And then the anesthesiologist comes by and looks vaguely like Joel and this is comforting, except that I haven't got my glasses on so he could really look like Charo for all I can tell. ANYway, I give him a heads up that needles make me faint, and he says that if I can go ahead and faint I'll be doing half his job for him. He is pleasant and I like him.

And then Ridiculously Kind and Probably Not That Much Older Than Me Nurse #3 comes to wheel me into the OR and introduces me to the three other Nurses in the room as though I were a pal of hers and not just some specimen they were going to dissect, and then I'm on the table and they're all fussing around me and sticking things to me and it's like being at the spa but less relaxing.

And then the anesthesiologist pokes a needle in the back of my arm and is all, That was the bad part. But this is the good part! And he holds up a syringe full of something brownish so I can see. This is your rum and coke, he says. It's your Kahlua and milk! says one of the nurses. Your bellini! says another. And while I'm trying to think of a cocktail suddenly it's six hours later.

So I'm back in my crib in the Patient Storage Unit and I'm conscious again and no nurses are coming to check on me and I haven't got my glasses on and my voice is broken and I can't make any noise and I feel like nothing so much as an infant. A terribly bored one. And it's half an hour before I can get anyone's attention and have them bring me a phone so I can call Joel, and also my glasses and my book.

And before Joel gets there, the surgeon comes back to say some stuff about the surgery, about how it went well or about how they found an army of gremlins growing in my throat or who knows, because I was still HIGH as a kite and I remember nothing except that he came. I think. That also might have been Charo.

And then Joel comes with a pot of yellow lilies only one of which is open, which are my favorite way to get flowers because then you get to watch them open one at a time and it's like a science project, or an advent calendar. And then he sits there for another four hours studying while I alternately sleep and pretend that I am not sleeping.

And finally they decide that I can go home except that putting my pants on gives me the faints, and they want to keep me but Joel talks them into letting me leave and I am miserable by this point because I only thought I felt fine, and all this putting on of pants has made me realize that I feel horrible and I want to be in bed. But we have to go fetch me some T3s and it's late and we drive all over town looking for a pharmacy that is open and I am queasy as hell but swallowing hurts so much that I can't stand the thought of...reverse-swallowing, as it were.

And I thought that I wanted to eat some yogurt when we got home because I had had nothing since the pre-op steaks except some jello that they brought me, and to be honest Joel ate most of that because my throat felt like razor blades and sea salt, but upon further consideration it turned out that I did not want to eat yogurt because I was already sleeping.

Ok and then the test results came back cancerous, so a month or so later we did it all again except without the accidental mutism (PHEW!) and I stayed in hospital TWO days and my mom and sister came to visit and then I went home and felt like shit for a few weeks because my thyroid was gone, and then they gave me adequate thyroid-replacement-in-a-jar pills and now my eyes are bloodshot all the time but I feel fantastic.

So, I think you aren't officially allowed to diagnose yourself cancer-free until you've been clear for 5 years, but as I no longer have a thyroid, I don't really see how I can still have thyroid cancer. Right? Riddle me that, science.

Done and done.

Ed. 3/4/10

Radiation completed, scans came back clean (says the scan tech, who is not a doctor but who, come on, sees a lot of scans). Moving closer to 'officially' not having cancer anymore.

Ed. 4/18/10

Scans are, I quote, the cleanest the doctor has ever seen. I am the valedictorian of scans. I am also officially cancerless.